The Cricket Conspiracy

Dear Mr. Cricket:

Your unmistakable irritating chirps musical ministrations came to my attention around 10 p.m. last night as I was sitting down to begin a new mystery novel.

After locating you easily atop my corner bookshelf, I kindly attempted to scoop you up into a wad of Kleenex and free you outside to be eaten by something to reunite with your fellows.

You did not comply and managed a well-aimed jump on to my shirt to escape. This was ill-advised. While I know you are not a dangerous species of bug, that doesn't stop you from being a bug; thus, you are not welcome on my person or in my sleeping quarters. Ever.

After leaping from my shirt to the floor, and, of course after my thirty-second all-over-body shiver, I again attempted my patented Kleenex Maneuver to capture you. I was again thwarted when you hopped under my bed and out of sight.

You may be wondering why I didn't just squash you. It is not because, as some believe, the presence of a cricket in the house is a sign of good fortune, or that I'm entering the realm of Chinese Cricket Combat -- rather, I loathe the idea of cleaning up guts and I prefer not to have your eensy insides on my carpet or any other surface.

I did not attempt to chase you further and it seems you were sufficiently alarmed enough to remain silent through the evening.

Until 5 a.m.

When I find you, there will be doom.

Yours truly and without remorse,

Shannon

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Tuesday, August 21, 2007. 0700 hours.

Dear Freckled, White Bi-ped:

First: Get a tan.

Second: My nightly reconnaissance mission has been severely compromised by your insistence in removing me from the area. Cease and desist now and I will not be forced to call in an Elimination Squad whose main purpose is to terrify you into submission. We are aware of our Icky Status in your household, but it will not deter us from our mission.

The Kleenex Maneuver is one we are most familiar with, and one we mimic in training, so as to be ready and able to move swiftly away from your species' blundering attempts to capture and torture us for information. Plus, your repetition of the phrase, "It's just a cricket. It's just a cricket" before each scoop attempt was really pathetic.

After retreating under your resting apparatus, I maintained radio silence for several hours. My training is second to none and I'm knowledgeable in areas of how your species sleeps. Your even breathing around 0130 alerted me to your state of rest.

I contacted my CO at precisely 0500 and was told to hold my ground.

Suck it up.

Sincerely,

PFC, M. F. Cricket, III

P.S. for a someone who detests us, you know a lot about our kind.
P.P.S. We are dangerous. Very, very dangerous

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Dear PFC. M. F. Cricket, III:

Know thy enemy.

Bring it on.

Regards,
Shannon

P.S. Should I guess what the initials M.F. stand for?

Comments

[Laura]

That cricket sounds dangerous, watch your back.

[PJ]

MEMO

DATE: TUESDAY 21 AUGUST 2007 1435 HOURS
SUBJECT: FORWARD ACHETA DOMESTICUS MOVEMENTS
TO: ALL STANDING TEAMS

BE AWARE THAT THE COMMANDER OF THE WESTERN REGION HAS DETERMINED THAT AN EVACUATION OF ALL SPECIES OF GRYLLINAE FROM HUMAN DOMICILES IS NECESSARY FOR PURPOSES OF NATIONAL SECURITY.

THIS CONCLUSION WAS BASED ON THE INTERCEPTION OF UNAUTHORIZED GRYLLINAIE SIGNAL COMMUNICATIONS INTERCEPTED AT 0500.

BE AWARE ALSO THAT THE PROCEDURES REGARDING THE KLEENEX MANEUVER HAVE BEEN COMPROMISED, AND ARE NO LONGER IN THE PLAN BOOK AS PLAN ALPHA. PLEASE MOVE PLAN BETA FORWARD TO REPLACE PLAN ALPHA.

THAT IS ALL.

----------------------------------

PJ: [RAOTFLOL] (several seconds later) Okay - I HAD to play along....

[Shannon]

Laura - I'm alert and at the ready.
PJ - It appears you have experienced this phenomena as well. Your intercept of classified communications is impressive and appreciated.

[VeloCC]

test, test, test...I hope this is a secure channel!

We have several reports of failed attempts to prosecute plan beta.
We advise to stay calm and not panic.
Our spec-ops-team will move in and take care of the situation.
PFC Cricket III is known for his excellent training, but we have all the necessary intelligence on him and the rest of his team.
Please stand by for further instruction.

Caption B.G. Spray

OUT

[Mr. Fabulous]

The betting line in Vegas favors you 5-2.

[The Truth About Six Pack Abs]

Isn't Mr Cricket - Batsman 4 : Mike Hussey of the Australian Cricket Team?