News at 11

Not exactly the 15 seconds of fame I was looking for. If PETA calls, I'm not home.

CHRISTCHURCH --- In an effort to prove she is a true danger to herself and others, Shannon arrived home from an extended holiday in the U.S., only to cook an innocent member of the avian family in her fireplace.

"Well, cremate is more like it," Shannon said after a brief moment of silence for the small feathery life she inadvertently took while trying to warm up the modest lounge area of her Christchurch home.

It seems Shannon arrived back to find her flat "damn cold", and after spending three weeks enjoying temperatures in the high 90s in Phoenix, Arizona, she was unprepared for the damp, miserable chill that greeted her upon her return.

"After getting the newspaper and kindling to start burning, there was suddenly quite a rustling going on in the fireplace that I knew wasn't normal," she said.

It seems a bird of some kind managed to find respite from the cold inside the chimney and must have been surprised to find its newfound home warmer than it should be. According to Shannon, the bird went bouncing around in the growing flames and then shot straight up the chimney. The flue, it seems wasn't open all the way, a fact which she quickly remedied. She then ran outside to see if the bird, by some miracle, had managed to escape a fiery death by flying out through the top of chimney.

Sadly, there was no flaming, feathery rocket shooting out into the mid-morning sky. "I hope the little guy succumbed to the smoke before feeling too much pain," Shannon said sadly.

"What sucks is my first thought after realizing I was possibly cooking a helpless bird, was what a pain in the ass it was going to be to start the fire again if I poured water on it."

Shannon feels terrible about the incident and cites severe jet lag as the reasoning behind her uncharacteristic attitude towards a member of the animal kingdom.

"If I hadn't just spend 14 hours in economy seating, I know I would have reached in and tried to save the little guy. My heart goes out to any family perched nearby mourning the passing of one of their own." She also hopes that no retaliation will ensue in the form of dive-bombings or soiled laundry that might be hanging on the clothesline in the next few days.

One thing is for sure though, there will be more fire-lighting as winter has only just begun, but Shannon promises to be more vigilant in the future and check thoroughly for any squatters before striking the match.

"It was just an accident," she adds. "But I plan to scatter the little guy's ashes as soon as I can feel my fingers again."